Pictures and details for the new Restoration Therapy office.
Lonely
"I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself"
Trends. In the therapy setting, I often see particular themes in the lives of my clients and in my own personal journey.
Today, I thought I would address one trend I am seeing a lot of lately. Loneliness.
Loneliness defined:
sadness because one has no friends or company. (This is harsh right???)
the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation.
Loneliness sounds like:
"People are not interested in me"
"I don't want to be a burden to others"
"Sometimes it is easier to just stay home"
"I am too much...or not enough"
Loneliness feels like:
Lost with no direction...feeling there is no way out
Numbness, lacking control
Nothingness
We all experience loneliness in our lives. Some experience it for longer periods/more frequently than others. Loneliness happens often because we have moved, a relationship has ended, during travel, or when we miss home. Those situations are a normal part of life and we often don't have much control over them.
However, there is a second kind of loneliness. This form is often more difficult and happens when we feel a deep seeded sense something is wrong with us, we don't fit, and feel hopeless in the ability to create real connection. No circumstance causes this, it is more a place we find ourselves in. Even if we did connect, we feel that quickly people would see through us and find beneath the surface a person not worth knowing.
This loneliness tells us it is easier to stay home and watch Netflix than to connect. It leaves us feeling like every call/invite we receive is not a genuine invite or comes from a place of others feeling bad for us or obligated to invite us. Why would others want us around? Why would anyone care how I am doing?
It reminds me of a Donald Miller Quote from Blue Like Jazz where he says: "I have always been afraid those who know me a little will like me a lot, but those who know me a lot will like me a little". Loneliness can leave us feeling like friends can and most likely will leave at any moment. If failure is inevitable, we feel hopeless in even trying...we quit seeking connection before we even give it a shot. We eliminate ourselves before the game has even started.
Failing by not trying is easier than failing when we put in effort and are left rejected. Fear of rejection may be the single biggest driver of loneliness. We fear, so we try to protect ourselves. An easy way to do that is to isolate. We can't get hurt when we isolate.
But we can get lonely.
I have many more thoughts on this I will share over the next few weeks. For now, I would love to hear your thoughts on loneliness, its causation, its escalation, or simply what it feels like. Hope to hear from you...until next time.
As always, you can find me here:
Restoration Therapy Nashville - 909 18th Ave South, Nashville, TN
Restoration Therapy Brentwood - 9001 Overlook Blvd, Brentwood, TN
Mobile: (615) 428-5513 - Dave
Miller, D. (2007). Blue like jazz. Logia.
Mindfulness
Many of my clients find themselves dealing with anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, and a general frustration with trying to slow their brain down.
They share how the above list interferes with family time, weekends, productivity, and steals peace of mind. A brain that never stops is exhausting. It is also a nemesis that leaves us often feeling stuck in our attempts to find a solution.
One resource I personally use and many of my clients find helpful comes in the form of an app called Headspace. Headspace offers guided mindfulness exercises that typically last about 10 minutes each. If you use the free version, you will have unlimited access to 10 guided mindfulness exercises. Let the guide (Andy), do all the work, and you get to simply relax and get lost in a journey of breathing, relaxing, and re-centering.
I hope this resource can not only be helpful for you, but also add some tools to your belt that you can use throughout the week to check-in with yourself, slow down, and refocus. The whole idea is getting our mind and body back to the present moment. Our entire life is composed of present moments. I find many of us spend more time in the unpredictable future and the unchangeable past than being here, now.
Join myself, and a number of my clients in this journey and let me know what you think of it. I wish you the best this Friday and hope this weekend will be filled with you living fully in each moment. Moments are all we get!
As always, you can find me, here:
909 18th Ave South, Nashville, TN 37212 - Restoration Therapy Nashville
9005 Overlook Blvd, Brentwood, TN 37027 - Restoration Therapy Brentwood
(615) 428-5513
Meditation and sleep made simple. Headspace. (n.d.). Retrieved October 28, 2021, from https://www.headspace.com/.
Intrusive/Negative Thoughts
Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Trauma, and many other mental health concerns often are held in place by intrusive negative thoughts. We can often feel victims who have no control over these unwanted thoughts. Perhaps, there are options to work towards addressing these negative thoughts that can bring relief?
Stopping by Woods on a Snowey Evening - Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost
I found this commentary on the poem quite interesting and you can find it here:
"Have you ever wanted to escape from the world for a little while? Perhaps to go watch some woods fill up with snow? Leave Facebook to accumulate friend requests and wall posts for you, let the e-mails pile up, record a mischievous away message on your cell phone, stuff the homework, the papers, and the tests under the bed? Well, then this is a poem for you.
Sometimes we crave a little vacation from responsibility. Sometimes we get hungry for alone time like the speaker does in "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening." In a world in which we are constantly stimulated by the Internet, TV, phones, and ads, and in a world in which we are busy, do we get to spend much time alone?" (Shmoop Editorial Team, 2008)
Thoughts worth pondering. I shared this today as I reflect on how busy life has been and my yearning to slow down and seek peace...hope this connects with you as well.
As always, you can find me at:
Restoration Therapy Nashville - 909 18th Ave South, Nashville, TN 37212
or
Restoration Therapy Brentwood - 9005 Overlook Drive, Brentwood, TN 37027
(615) 428-5513
Shmoop Editorial Team. (2008, November 11). Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. Retrieved May 18, 2017, from http://www.shmoop.com/stopping-by-woods-on-a-snowy-evening/
Book Review - Self Compassion by Kristen Neff
I recently finished this book and it will go down as one of the most important reads of my life. Dr. Neff takes on the senselessness of the self-critical mind many of us deal with on a regular basis. She does this through rational thought, specific examples, and offers incredible resources and exercises to help develop a sense of self compassion.
If you have or are currently dealing with anxiety, negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, body pain, a critical view of self, perfectionism, stress, or are simply in a hard time of life, this book will be an incredible resource.
Neff, K. (2013). Self compassion. Hodder & Stoughton.
You are also welcome to set up an appointment and dig deeper into making self compassion more prominent in your life. I have office hours in Nashville on Thursday evenings and Saturdays (909 18th Ave South, Nashville, TN 37212), or Mondays in Brentwood (9005 Overlook Drive, Brentwood, TN 37027). You can schedule an appointment here:
Thoughts on Change
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"
-Socrates
It seems to me that one of the biggest barriers for folks considering counseling is questioning if change is possible. We hear stories of change happening. However, when we reflect on our own relational/inner challenges, change often appears out of reach.
Responding differently to those who frustrate us, engaging our fear, not playing anxiety's games, refusing to allow depression to keep us isolated, or truly listening to our emotions (all different forms of change), can often feel as complex as learning a new language. And, unfortunately, we haven't found pills that cure anxiety or fix your marriage yet.
Change is difficult.
We live in a culture where we are incredibly hard on ourselves. We are surrounded by pictures/movies/ads/voices/friends that can make the best of us seem to be lacking in one area or another. Feeling "less than", "not enough", or "too much" are now common thoughts for many of us. Our self-expectation quickly can become unrealistic, and unhealthy.
Sadly, all this pressure we load on ourselves does not motivate change. It appears to overload us with shame, guilt, and fear instead. These negative emotions/motivations are not solid ground on which to seek change.
As a matter of fact, those motivations are often the single most common reason change eludes us. Every time we fall short, the "hard on ourselves" voice repeats the "not good enough..." lines. Then, often after we fall short of our unhealthy expectations a few times, those little negative tapes in our heads make a small, but dangerous turn.
They sneakily switch from "I'm not good enough" to "I'll never be good enough".
How do we break some of these negative patterns/cycles? Here are a few thoughts I have been tossing around:
What if pursuit of change was centered on a motivation that you are enough just as you are...right now?
What if one of your primary focuses in regard to change was living in the present moment? The unchangeable past and unpredictable future are breeding grounds for shame, regret, worry, anxiety, and fear. What if you spent your time and energy on here and now?
What if changed ceased to be about earning love, worth, or value, but rather was about accepting that you, in your most vulnerable humanity, are lovable? Accepting that your imperfections make you lovable.
What if it means taking care of yourself, listening to your heart, body, and responding to those needs?
What if caring for yourself was not selfish, but critically important?
What if it was about living the life you want, as much as possible, today?
What if the focus wasn't fixing something broken (negative), but building something new (positive)?
What if...
This is a beautiful story of change. It's not easy, but it's possible.
