Book Review - Self Compassion by Kristen Neff

I recently finished this book and it will go down as one of the most important reads of my life.  Dr. Neff takes on the senselessness of the self-critical mind many of us deal with on a regular basis.  She does this through rational thought, specific examples, and offers incredible resources and exercises to help develop a sense of self compassion. 

If you have or are currently dealing with anxiety, negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, body pain, a critical view of self, perfectionism, stress, or are simply in a hard time of life, this book will be an incredible resource. 

Neff, K. (2013). Self compassion. Hodder & Stoughton. 

You are also welcome to set up an appointment and dig deeper into making self compassion more prominent in your life.  I have office hours in Nashville on Thursday evenings and Saturdays (909 18th Ave South, Nashville, TN 37212), or Mondays in Brentwood (9005 Overlook Drive, Brentwood, TN 37027).  You can schedule an appointment here:

Contact

Contact

Times They are a Changing

Friends,

The first 6 months of Restoration Therapy Nashville have been great!  Thank you to all of you who have been a part of it so far.  The journey will continue.  Sadly, it will have to continue in a new building.  The office we have been at is a very old building with lots of character. 

It is also a prime spot for real estate being so close to downtown, Vanderbilt, and West End.  So, the owners have decided to tear it down and sell the property. 

Around November 7th, I will move to a new space just three blocks away.  The new building is located at:

909 18th Avenue South: Suite A

Nashville, TN 37212

Once again, thank you for supporting, visiting, and keeping up with me this last year.  I am excited to get into this new space and continue this work in Nashville. 

Finally, keep checking back with me as there will hopefully be some slots opening up at an office in Murfreesboro soon! 

In the words of Johnny Cash to Tom Petty on his 50th birthday:

“You’re a good (wo)man to ride the river with”

-Dave

Embracing the Fear - Judith Bemis

Anxiety is a large part of many of our stories.  Anxiety is scary, it can feel debilitating, and often leaves us feeling hopeless in the battle against it.  

One of my goals with this blog is to equip folks with great resources on their journey towards growth.  As far as the world of anxiety goes, this book (Embracing the Fear by Judith Bemis) is one of the best resources I have found.  Dr. Bemis offers wonderful tools for living with anxiety.  She has written this book through the lens of research as well as her own battles with anxiety and panic attacks.  

Her main argument is that we can not win when we try to fight anxiety.  In fact, fighting our anxiety only makes it worse.  We do not fight fire with fire.  Often our natural response with anxiety (def: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome) is to get more anxious, or mad at ourselves for feeling anxious, which compounds the initial anxiety.  

I often explain anxiety as a beach ball in a swimming pool.  Imagine the beach ball is in the pool and whispers to you "try to push me under water".  Hours later, we are EXHAUSTED, and the ball is still full of air.  Anxiety asks us to fight, engage, and escalate.  

Dr. Bemis is framing a theory where we do not engage, we accept, we let it be, and we keep moving on. 

This book will be a great resource for those of you who have anxiety as a part of your life.

Caveat: Change takes time.  Anxiety is often something we have dealt with our entire lives.  One part of this journey is accepting your anxiety.  The other part is continually offering yourself patience, grace, and understanding when it gets hard.  Being hard on ourselves, getting frustrated when anxiety is still around...these are all examples of the anxiety continuing to speak.  In these times, it is important we continually offer ourselves patience and grace as growth slowly unfolds.   

Bemis, J., & Barrada, A. (2011). Embracing the fear: Learning to manage Anxiety & Panic attacks. Hazelden Publishing. 

5 Essential Truths by Father Richard Rohr

1. Life is hard.
2. You are not that important.
3. Your life is not about you.
4. You are not in control.
5. You are going to die.

I read a book a few years back that deconstructed me in the most wonderful way.  You see, I often find myself arguing with life.  I have expectations for this life that often go unmet.  I attribute most of my anxiety, stress, and fear to the time I spend worrying about life and the way it could, or has played out (the unpredictable future and unchangeable past).  

Father Richard Rohr in his Book "Adam's Return" presents what he calls the 5 essential truths.  These are truths, if we chose to pursue them, can help us live in a much different, more peaceful way.  

Warning: These truths are the kind that take years to accept which is why I used the word pursue above.  Here are Rohr's 5 essential truths:

1. Life is hard.
2. You are not that important.
3. Your life is not about you.
4. You are not in control.
5. You are going to die.

If you think about it, these are all deeply true.  However, these are all also items we struggle to accept or make peace with.  

I can't tell you how many times a day I fight to try to control others, or even my own life path.  I still struggle to accept that life and growth are hard.  I spend most days desiring life to be easy and I am surprised every time it isn't.  And on a much deeper level, accepting my mortality is unusually complex considering I live in a world where no one has yet conquered it in our history.

So, Rohr talks about the process and journey of accepting these simple truths.  I like to fight, acceptance sounds like quitting.  But lately, acceptance sounds less like quitting and more like grounding myself in the truth.  It sounds like peace.  

So, I am seeking to be more accepting of the truths of this life.  

If you, or a friend you know is interested in this...feel free to pass along my information.  

Rohr, R., & Lonneman, J. (2016). Adam's return: The Five promises of male initiation. Crossroad Publishing Company. 

Thoughts on Being Known

Connection/being known by others and God is one of our deepest innate desires as humans. Yet, attempts to fulfill that desire with others as well as God often feel elusive or unattainable.  

Why does connection feel so complicated?

First off, it can be scary!  Attempts for new connections or the deepening of existing relationships opens the door for rejection, risk, and awkwardness.

Those negative thoughts are founded often on prior bad experiences (a topic for another day), and the idea that we need to perform to earn our value.  That somehow if we can be good enough, smart enough, or make enough, the other person will be coaxed into wanting to know us.

Second, earning our worth is essentially another way of communicating that as I am, I am not enough.  In order to be enough, I must earn my worth and value.  This is so prevalent in many of the folks I see.  It is also a common occurrence in many faith systems where belief in God often coincides with the belief that I am simply a sinner and if I don't get this right (earning worth and value), there may be hell to pay.  

This mentality is not good news, it's bad.  It begins with the belief that you are not enough and that something is wrong with you.  It creates a system where we have to always fight to earn love, value, and worth.  This system refuses to allow us to be present.  You see, we are too busy over analyzing everything to be able to sit in the moment with others/God.  

I work with a lot of clients on starting from an entirely different perspective.  That you, as you are,  are enough.  Eliminating the tasks of worrying, performing, analyzing what others/God think and shortening our job description to you, simply being you.  

I understand that the main reason we don't take this road is because often we feel like our true self isn't enough.  I argue that your true self, in its absolute rawest form is absolutely enough.  That you, in all the messiness of life is your true self, and the one God/others want to know.  

Why?  

Because, we are drawn to the humanity of life.  Not untouchable perfection.

This week, stop trying to earn love and focus on letting yourself be found.    

A Short by Brene Brown - Empathy

What is the best way to ease someone's pain and suffering? In this beautifully animated RSA Short, Dr Brené Brown reminds us that we can only create a genuine empathic connection if we are brave enough to really get in touch with our own fragilities.

Such a Time as This

...that thou mightest be ready in such a time as this? 

-Esther 4:14

The blank page, empty canvas, the unknown trail ahead. Each loaded with potential, opportunity, and adventure yet, at the same moment, blank, empty, unknown.  Often the sheer potential of starting can be so overwhelming it can paralyze us. Beginnings can feel lonely. They can leave us feeling lost without even having started. The parallels to our own journey towards wellness are deep.  

Where do we start? Often these journeys begin with an idea, recognition of a problem, desiring something new, or a sense of discomfort. This awareness is indeed the first step in any process. However, often in the journey towards wellness, a critical second step is often overlooked amidst the ambition to get started.  

I am convinced that this critical second step is at the root of the lack of success many experience over and over again as they seek wellness. Yet, this step remains hard to recognize and often goes unnoticed on our journey. 

This critical step is embracing self-acceptance, self-worth, self-compassion, and the belief that this journey is worth taking. Quite simply, it is recognizing that you are worth the time, effort, and investment in this process. That you are worth it now, as you are, rather than as you "could" or feel like you "should" be.  

You see, positive change never really sinks in when we are attempting to earn our value and worth.  I am not sure why, and I wish it were different, as attempting to earn our worth seems to be our most natural instinct. Earning our worth carries the assumption that currently, we are not deserving of value, acceptance, and love.  This is an important idea to note, for if I currently feel unworthy, it will be impossible for me to achieve wellness. 

Starting a process of seeking positive change without believing I'm worth it is similar to leaving on a trip with a empty tank of gas.  When I try to start moving, I find that I run out of motivation quickly. Every road block is another reason why I am still not worth it, every failure another example solidifying why I am not good enough, and every person who leaves me or makes a cutting remark another confirmation that I am not valuable.

One can quickly see that this mentality can suffocate change before it has begun.  

Often, we start our journey towards health by making a to-do list that we cannot possibly achieve. We put off acknowledging our worth until change has been achieved.  We seek an idealized level of change that may be impossible to reach, as often what we have in mind is some version of perfection.  

Perhaps, the journey toward wellness is better started by choosing to accept yourself as you are.  Choosing to spend intentional time coming up with a solid list of reasons why you are worth it.  Finding a group of people who will un-conditionally walk alongside of you through it all. Coming up with ways that you can show yourself self-compassion each day.

Perhaps, it starts with realizing that you are worth it as you are, innately, and offering yourself grace. 

You are not a puzzle of broken pieces. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  Knit together in your mothers womb. -Psalm 139

Perhaps, you are made for such a time as this.

Resources

The Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning

Manning, B. (2015). The ragamuffin gospel. Multnomah Books. 

Becoming the Beloved - Henri Nouwen - below

Thoughts on Change

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

-Socrates

It seems to me that one of the biggest barriers for folks considering counseling is questioning if change is possible. We hear stories of change happening. However, when we reflect on our own relational/inner challenges, change often appears out of reach. 

Responding differently to those who frustrate us, engaging our fear, not playing anxiety's games, refusing to allow depression to keep us isolated, or truly listening to our emotions (all different forms of change), can often feel as complex as learning a new language. And, unfortunately, we haven't found pills that cure anxiety or fix your marriage yet.  

Change is difficult.

We live in a culture where we are incredibly hard on ourselves. We are surrounded by pictures/movies/ads/voices/friends that can make the best of us seem to be lacking in one area or another. Feeling "less than", "not enough", or "too much" are now common thoughts for many of us. Our self-expectation quickly can become unrealistic, and unhealthy.

Sadly, all this pressure we load on ourselves does not motivate change.  It appears to overload us with shame, guilt, and fear instead. These negative emotions/motivations are not solid ground on which to seek change. 

As a matter of fact, those motivations are often the single most common reason change eludes us. Every time we fall short, the "hard on ourselves" voice repeats the "not good enough..." lines.  Then, often after we fall short of our unhealthy expectations a few times, those little negative tapes in our heads make a small, but dangerous turn.  

They sneakily switch from "I'm not good enough" to "I'll never be good enough".    

How do we break some of these negative patterns/cycles? Here are a few thoughts I have been tossing around:

What if pursuit of change was centered on a motivation that you are enough just as you are...right now? 

What if one of your primary focuses in regard to change was living in the present moment? The unchangeable past and unpredictable future are breeding grounds for shame, regret, worry, anxiety, and fear.  What if you spent your time and energy on here and now?

What if changed ceased to be about earning love, worth, or value, but rather was about accepting that you, in your most vulnerable humanity, are lovable? Accepting that your imperfections make you lovable.  

What if it means taking care of yourself, listening to your heart, body, and responding to those needs?  

What if caring for yourself was not selfish, but critically important?

What if it was about living the life you want, as much as possible, today? 

What if the focus wasn't fixing something broken (negative), but building something new (positive)?

What if...

Barbara Arrowsmith-Young is the Creator and Director of Arrowsmith School and Arrowsmith Program, and the author of the international best-selling book The Woman Who Changed Her Brain (www.barbaraarrowsmithyoung.com/book). She holds a B.A.Sc. in Child Studies from the University of Guelph, and a Master's degree in School Psychology from the University of Toronto (Ontario Institute for Studies in Education).

This is a beautiful story of change. It's not easy, but it's possible.